Getting real
Even if it's about the journey, you still need to set your destination.
I am beat.
Through a combination of the change in weather (hello snow?), lack of sleep, and the emotional intensity of this past weekend's sessions, I ended up getting sick. As my brain fog clears and I'm able to reflect, I'm excited to share some of the insights from our latest session: Life & Success.
As the name suggests, we focused on a very different topic than last week. Instead of exploring technical topics, we got introspective and vulnerable as I shared my own story and discussed success.
Let’s start at the end
Imagine waking up in a thick fog. You can see maybe 20 metres ahead of you, at any time, in any direction. It’s hard to know where to go. Everything is shrouded in uncertainty. So you look around and make a decision based on what is closest to you.
As you start walking, your stomach starts making strange noises. When was the last time you ate? You decide to start looking around for food. You see a gas station; it looks like the best option for food. You aren't sure what else is out there so you'd rather not risk it. You go inside and decide to stock up on whatever they have: beef jerky, bottled water, and some chips. It's not the healthiest but it's your best option. You sit outside and fuel up.
Shortly after leaving you come across a grocery store with healthy prepared meals inside. Unfortunately you already ate your fill at the gas station. You made your decision based on what was right in front of you. And so you keep walking, wandering through the fog.
THIS IS HOW MOST PEOPLE GO THROUGH LIFE.
Thankfully the fog is a(n imperfect) metaphor; we don’t actually live with such limited visibility. But so many people choose to live that way. Most people only think about about the next 20 metres of their life.
In high school, this means focusing intently on your immediate next step, probably university or college. In college, this means getting an internship that summer or good marks. At work this means the next promotion or bonus. At what point do you stop and ask what am I aiming for?
Working Backwards1 is one of my favourite frameworks and one a lot of people intuitively, eventually arrive at. In case the name of it wasn't clear, working backwards involves identifying with your objective or target first, and then making a plan to get there. When you learn about it for the first time it just seems obvious. Of course I should be thinking about where I want to end up. But we rarely do it. Working backwards is a way to force yourself to think long term. It forces you to figure out not just what your next move is, but what your ultimate goal is. Because if you don’t know what the goal is, your next move doesn’t matter.
How do you know what to aim for?
Success is Survival
For most of human history, our species has been focused on two things: survival and reproduction. If you managed to do those things, you were successful. Up until recent history (~10,000 years ago), that was all you had to worry about to be successful.
Survival was your number one priority, struggling with the elements, accessibility of food, and fending off wildlife. Reproduction was originally uncertain because of small tribe populations and constant threats to survival. You might not live long enough to reproduce.2
Most people don't have need to have those same fears anymore. We live in populous areas where food and potential mates are rarely an issue. By our traditional definitions, we are successful from the day we are born.
So what does success mean to us now, and what should it mean to us?
Our biological imperative is to continue to gather more of what worked in the past: money and status. Money is our modern equivalent of survival. With it we can get food, shelter, and safety. With status, we are more likely to find a mate and to reproduce.
But talk about diminishing returns. After a certain point you aren't surviving MORE. The money becomes unnecessary. Most people aren't reproducing MORE (a separate growing issue). So why pursue additional money and status?
It's easier. It’s the default. It’s safer. To create your own definition of success means to break away from the pack. It means taking a chance on yourself and the risk of being judged, of having to ignore societal pressure.
Here's a secret about the human condition: most of us crave the exact same things.
We want to feel useful and we want to be loved. We want to have strong relationships and the ability to have an impact on others in a fulfilling way. But we are afraid to pursue these things. And our fears? They are tied to our evolutionary history as well. Our biggest fears are those related to survival or losing status.
So if our evolutionary responses to success are outdated, we need to spend some time defining success. Success can have its own definition for each of us, so I can’t tell you what yours is. Instead, I’ll offer some guidance. Successful people do two things really well.
Set meaningful goals for themselves.
Have the ability to hit those goals.
That's it. They set goals that matter, and they hit them. And they do this over and over. Once you have defined what a successful life looks like to you, you're able to set meaningful goals that fall within this definition and continue to hit them.
Each of these two skills can take a lifetime to understand and master, but it’s what we aim to do at TKS.
Welcome to My Life
We got real this week with students. For about 40 minutes I shared my personal story of how I got to where I am today and the different ups and downs I experienced. There's not enough time for me to give you the full recap, so instead I'll share a reflection.
Nobody talks about this stuff. When I was in high school, I don't think I ever heard about anyone's struggles at any point. Perhaps more macro life struggles, but rarely about the pressure they felt about going to a good university, or to hit certain grades. People didn't talk about mental health issues or any of their own personal failures. Talking about my own past in sequence and reflecting on different things I did or mistakes I made, I realized this was my first time doing this. I don't think anyone had really heard the "full story" before, or at least as full as 40-minutes can get you for my 32 years of life.3
I shared my own struggles with an incredibly fixed mindset, cruising through high school then having university kick my ass, and my different work experiences thanks to my ability to figure things out. I talked about joining swimming and constantly comparing myself to others. I talked about my relationship with my parents and the ups-and-downs. And lastly I shared my experience with therapy and seeking to better understand what I sought in life.
Hearing messages of support, acknowledgement, and appreciation from the students was by far the best part. For a lot of them, they were able to resonate with the same struggles and mindsets I had. For me, it felt like validation that I am in the right spot.
Mindset of the Week: Courage
When we think about courage, we tend to picture scenes from a movie. Perhaps a brave pilot putting on her helmet before taking off on an important mission, or a courageous little man with hairy feet trekking across the world to throw a little ring into a roaring volcano to save the planet. A lot of us tend to mistake courage with fearlessness. They are not the same thing.
If you’re fearless then things are easy. There’s no fear, so there’s no need for inaction. But fear is innately human. Just like our history of success and survival, fear is part of the reason we are still around. Fear was a helpful signal when our lives were at risk. Courage is what it takes to overcome fear. If you’re courageous, you act despite the fear not without it. It’s not a one-and-done mindset either; it’s a skill. Courage is something you practice every time you face fear.
We walked students through a fear-facing exercise to better understand their fears and find ways to overcome them.
Facing Your Fears
Start by listing all of your fears and insecurities. What are the top 2 that you feel most intensely?
Identify how those fears are currently holding you back, or might in the future. What are you missing out on? What are you going to regret not doing?
Identify things you can do today to help you build courage to overcome some of these specific fears. What habits or actions might help you develop the skill of courage?
Lastly, ask yourself what happens if those fears come true.
The important thing here is to be honest with yourself. We all have fears, so dig into them and try to better understand them.
My hot take: our inaction due to fear occurs when we don’t want something bad enough. We would rather act in self-preservation than take whatever risk we perceive. If we want something bad enough, the fear becomes irrelevant. We can’t imagine life without taking the action. And in the end, we more often regret what we don’t do, not what we try.
Are you going to be someone who lets fear rule you, or are you going to go after the things you want?
✌🏼
Also the name of a great book about Amazon’s culture that mirrors similar principles.
This is my attempt to remember things from Sapiens
I have a draft blog post from this summer where I shared (in perhaps less vulnerable detail) my journey to where I am today. I’ll share it when it’s complete.
As a strategist, I'm a huge fan of the practice of working backwards. It has defined how our family thinks and operates. In contrast, our family motto is "life is the journey, travel it well".
What a great edition, Steven.